Mixed state

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I had wanted to post some bits about the garden, about the knitting, about a recent trip to Finland but I’m in the pit again.

Since coming back from my holiday on Monday the urge to self harm, hurt and fade away have been strong. Surprisingly I didn’t get the urges whilst away, maybe it’s habitual – hell I know it is at least somewhat habitual, maybe it’s being back in the environment, back in the real world.

When I was diagnosed as rapid cycling bipoar I would call what is happing here ‘cycling’. If someone asked, although that tends to be rare, I would say I was cycling. Now that the diagnosis has been changed to borderline personality disorder I don’t know what to call it.

I am everything and nothing right now. I am giddy and happy and horny. I’m dancing, singing and making plans. Big plans. Let’s take on this thing, and this thing, and I’ll finish my chapter this week and start on another and do lab work, and do the garden, and get ready for camp, and tidy the house and take care of the cats. Why don’t I cook a dinner from scratch. I should take up writing again. Read more. Go out more, need to go out more. Just come on let’s rock this.

But I am confused and distant and lost. I go to the sink and just want to crawl into the cupboard beneath it and hide. I shower and end up on the floor sobbing, hoping that no-one hears. I feel like my insides are being ripped in two and I don’t know why. I want to hide. I’m scared to leave my bed in case I hurt myself. I think over and over and over again of the ways I could hurt, the ways I could make it all go away. And I don’t want those thoughts, but can’t seem to stop them.

I feel like I have lost my place in life. Like I have screwed it all up and there is no putting it back together. Like if someone clicked their fingers and I was gone everything would be better, for me and everyone else. I feel like a ghost. Like I shouldn’t be here. Like I’m not here. Like I no longer belong. I don’t want to be close to anyone, I just want to be alone, to hide away alone.

I feel like I am part of everything. I call it my ‘spiritual feeling’. Deep inside I feel it all. I see the season changing, I see the land around me and I ‘feel’ it all. I feel like I am  a part of nature and nature is a part of me. Like I can feel the pulse of the land, see the beauty and the cruelty of nature. I see it all. See the pain and joy of life, those who have touched my life. I see the lack of reason in it all, nature is indiscriminate.

It doesn’t sound possible. To feel elation, depression, isolation and inclusion all in the same day, let alone in the same hour. But that is where I am. In such a ‘mixed state’, to borrow a bipolar term, that I don’t know what is happening.

I’m not sleeping now, but I’m not really working. I’m tired but I won’t sleep. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that I won’t. And I don’t know why I won’t, just that I am unlikely to go to bed tonight. I have so much potential but am useless, I’m part of everything and nothing. I don’t know how to move forward with this. I don’t know how to deal with this, how much longer I can deal with this. Had the old realisation today of how long this has been. Minimum of 18 years of feeling this way, of dealing with this, trying to treat this and trying to heal. I have spent longer living with mental illness than without.

I keep trying to make things ok but I must be doing something wrong to still be dealing with this shit. Fingers crossed for some non-mental health related posts soon.



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